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CRAZY! (Sorry - it's a long one)

So in case anyone was wondering - no I did not die! I can't believe how fast the time flies sometimes. Seems like it wasn't that long ago that I was enjoying being able to play on the internet while recovering in my bed and here we are like a month and a half after my last post. CRAZY!!

So crazy is a pretty good word to describe what's been going on with me lately. I seriously feel as though I have been going a little crazy. And I mean no jest when I say that. I also do not mean to make light at all during this post of anyone who suffers from or has any brush with mental illnesses.

So here's the story. I don't yet know entirely what caused everything but I quickly became an emotional wreck after returning to work and school after my surgery. The only thing I can think of is that it is just a combination of everything that has been happening culminating all at once. I literally have not felt physically well since before Christmas. I progressed from my "theory" into my highly tense, stressful and discouraging speedbuilding class within a week after returning to school. Being away from my job for ten days made me realize just how much I absolutely hate that place and hate my job.

So slowly and almost undetectably depression, anxiety and panic attacks started creeping into my life. I still can't pinpoint when I first started feeling it but it quickly started taking over and controlling my life. I would wake up in the mornings with a knot in my stomach. I would have so much anxiety as I got ready for school and work that I would literally start to dry heave as though I would vomit at any moment. I got to the point where eating breakfast was almost impossible. Soon that started creeping into lunch and dinner as well. I almost completely lost my appetite and rarely ate a full meal. During my days at school I started to withdraw from everyone around me. I no longer associated with the people I started school with and didn't really want to talk to anyone. I was always sad and sullen and really didn't want to be there at all. The worst of the day would usually happen right before I had to go to work. I would often get so anxious about it that I would start crying. Crying probably isn't a good description. I was more like bawling hysterically. During all of this my poor wife is having to deal with me bawling over the phone to her and complaining all the time about how I don't want to go to work and how I'm not really happy with school anymore.

It all got to the point where I didn't want to leave the house - especially when my wife was staying home with kids. I was skipping school every chance I got and going to work only because I had used up all of my paid time off for my surgery. So after many discussions with my wife we decided I would start by looking for a new job that would make me happier even if we had to make some changes with school and other things. Then this past Saturday I skipped work and stayed home so I could call a counseling service that is supplied by my employer. After talking with them for an hour and knowing the things I was experiencing were real and I was going to be getting help - I thought I would be okay and start on the path to recovery. I figured I'd be able to cope with life until I could make some changes - WRONG!

It started all over again on Monday. I had been pretty much in control for most of the day and was doing okay until I was talking to my wife right before work. Then just out of nowhere it crept up on me again and I was crying worse than I ever had. I decided I couldn't go on like this. I walked into work and I quit my job. I can't believe I actually quit my job! That's something I'm still trying to process. I had several chances to back out of it but the whole time I was doing it I felt right about it and I felt that was what I needed to be doing. The shock hit me later that night when I finally realized what I had done and what it implied.

I don't regret it though. I am sure I will find something else (hopefully soon) and life will go on. I have actually felt much better this week though. I have been able to go through my days without crying and without having a panic attack. I am still feeling like there is definitely some depression and anxiety left to deal with and I'm not going to give up seeking professional help just because I have felt better this week. A lot of the anxiety I feel now though is over trying to figure out what kind of job would be best and where that might be. Luckily the hospital is willing to give my wife extra shifts while we get through this and they pay quite well. I am feeling bad over her having to work so much more because of me but we both agree that I couldn't go on like that every day.

So now I'm trying to heal in more ways than one. The surgery healing is coming along but I am still dealing with some inflammation and nerve pain. The doc thinks it will only be about another six weeks before all of that goes away as well. I hope so. It will be so nice to actually feel good again. In the meantime hopefully I'll get this other stuff taken care of and be on the road to a full recovery soon.

We're not so sure that school is the right thing anymore right now either. I like the prospects of the career but there are also some things about the work and the training to get to it that I'm not so sure of anymore. This just may not be what I want to do with the rest of my life and I don't want to get through it and then want to change paths again. So I'm doing some evaluating of my goals as well as my other options and we'll see it where it leads us. I'm just not sure right now.

The family is doing wonderfully though! My beautiful little girl just turned one on the 15th. She is so cute and so much fun. It's amazing how much of a little girly-girl she is already. This one is definitely all girl!! She unfortunately got the chicken pox a few weeks ago while I was still recovering from my surgery. My poor wife had a houseful of sickies to deal with. I don't what I would do without her.

Anyway, I'm still plugging along just trying to find my place in this world. Not yet sure where that is but I know we'll find it someday.

I really am sorry to anyone who reads this that it is so eratic and so depressing when it is updated. Hopefully someday I'll be more regular with it.

Thank you for bearing with me and supporting me.

J

6 comments:

Betsey Holzhauer 5:35 AM  

Jason, I am so glad you are getting help for this, and I am sure that you will realize that all this was really a blessing in disguise. I can understand your feelings very well. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Betsey (Iowa Betsey)

Dianne 12:20 AM  

I have suffered from depression myself, so I have a good idea of what you are going through. Quitting your job is actually a good thing because you have recognised the source of what was causing your anxiety attacks and depression and have removed yourself from that situation. Yes, I know it is scary to think that you no longer have a job and an income, but I am sure you will find a job that you will love. Please do not stop getting help just because you feel a bit better - you are going to need help for a while. And believe me, you WILL get better. You have an amazing wife.
Keep well Jason. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Dianne (Skabanga)

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Sheila 10:38 AM  

Jason,

Wow, did you explain my anxiety and depression to a T. I too suffer from from anxiety, social phobia, and depression. After, having a person show up in my daughter's life after 10 years...her own father. I started having overwhelming anxiety attacks, because I thought I had made the best decision for my daughter. Now, I was dealing with all the issues I had and why I divorced this man 10 years ago. Manipulation, control and interactions with my daughter made life uncontrollable. I was now seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and getting meds to enable me to try to lead a "normal" life. Although this man is a millionaire he eventually took me to court and took, yes took, away my daughter. She just turned 18 the other day and I only spoke to her a few hours during a "visit to Wisconsin" (we moved to Texas because of the stress from him) to attend my brother's funeral. He only allowed supervised visitations (which is not what the courts ordered), and he even had the gall to show up at my brother's funeral. Anyway, we all have troubles and I myself, have a BLANK in my blogging because of my brother's passing in June. I'm so glad to see you are back on track and keep it up. I too had surgery which has be down right now, but I can't wait til I can get back to the scrapbook world and focus on my great life in Texas. It's not easy to recognize for other's to realize how disabiliting this is for us who have this awful illness. Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing your great work!!! Thanks for sharing!

BIG HUGS! Sheila
s_pavelec@yahoo.com